


I wish you were him

by captainhurricane



Category: Metal Gear Solid
Genre: Everything Hurts, M/M, major phantom pain spoilers, sad cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 15:02:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4924141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainhurricane/pseuds/captainhurricane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don't. Just don't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I wish you were him

**Author's Note:**

> my emotions! my emotions! tpp spoilers!

”I can't even look at you,” Kaz spits the words like acid, always filled with anger that no longer has a target. His hand is in his hair, tearing it, his clumsy steps make him waver and almost fall as he paces but somehow he keeps himself upright. It's been like this for days, for weeks. Ever since they shot Skull Face (ever since Huey's whoop of weak joy) and the smell of burning flesh and metal. Ever since then Kaz had been restless and his gaze hadn't landed on Snake anymore. 

Today it's worse. Kaz had come to the medical platform for the monthly check-up of his prosthetic leg and his eyes but had instead gotten tenser and irritated. And Snake had only been worried for him, had come straight to him even smelling like blood and sweat as he does. 

The sight of Kaz likes this makes Snake anxious. He tries to catch his second-in-command's eye more than often, reaches to steady him when he wavers but is always met with a hit from the crutch or a snarl. 

”Kaz,” Snake says, stands closeby. He's readying himself for the inevitable moment when Kaz's already hazy balance fails.   
”Sit down.” 

Kaz stops, draws breath. He fixes his glasses, turns to look but even through the dark lenses Snake can see that the hazy gaze isn't on him but on some spot on his shoulder.   
”You're giving me a headache with your pacing,” Snake murmurs, scratches his beard with a worrying frown. It's not the truth- the headache is born out of the shrapnel burrowed into his skull and it's the least of his problems. The hallucinations, more vivid with each passing day, are the ones he's more worried for. 

At least Kaz is hallucination-free, his figure strong even as he slumps down on the bed. There is nobody else in the room except them. Kaz had ordered the medics out- they had done so with haste, recognizing the rise of anger in their commander's eyes. Shouldn't be so jumpy, Snake had offered his arm but Kaz had lashed out instead. 

Snake doesn't comment on the flush on Kaz's cheeks. Attributes it to the anger. 

”Why are you here,” comes from Kaz next. His prosthetic leg is stretched in front of him, all metal and futuristic, it's base squeezing the stump. Kaz's hand is tightened into a fist. He's staring straight ahead. 

Snake's jaw tightens. He knows that face, although Commander Miller as he was didn't show it much. Preferred to find joy in life. This Commander Miller finds no joy in anything. 

”For you,” Snake says.   
”You've been avoiding me.” 

Kaz clicks his tongue, turns his head away. He doesn't show it, doesn't say it but without his full uniform he feels naked, bare under Snake's watchful eye. Big Boss is watching you reads the poster on the wall. Yet the real one- Kaz tsks- seem less intense. Even with the dried blood still sticking to his clothes. 

”You're dreaming. Leave me.” 

Snake swallows, yanks off his glove. He drops it to the floor, caring little that it's dirty. 

”Kaz.” His tongue feels warm when he says the name. If the emotion inside him is from the real Big Boss- or something from himself, he doesn't know. Kaz tenses again, his palm pressing against his legs, fingertips against his pale skin. Snake steps close, sits next to Kaz.   
”I am sorry,” Snake says finally, finding everything else too much or too little. I love you. I'm not him. I'm sorry I'm not him. I care for you. Kaz makes a noise and it's entirely the wrong thing to do. Snake slips a hand around Kaz's waist, glad that Kaz is only wearing a thin t-shirt. 

”Don't touch me,” Kaz says, strained. His pulse is rapid when Snake presses his mouth against it.   
”I want to. Kaz. Nobody else waited for me.” Snake kisses that bare neck and Kaz stills, swallows.   
”Don't,” Kaz whispers.   
”I cared for you when I wasn't... when I was someone else,” Snake says, shifts so that it's the bare half of his forehead pressing against Kaz's shoulder.   
”But you never noticed. Your eyes were always on him.” 

Kaz bites his lip. His eyes sting. Who could blame him- Big Boss elicited respect and fear wherever he walked even in those days when he wasn't yet ready to doom the world for his own cause.   
”Don't speak about him,” Kaz whispers, drawing breath.   
”But I am him,” Snake answers, his both hands now circling Kaz's waist, the embrace clumsy but tight. Kaz draws breath, squeezes his eyes closed. 

”It hurts to look at you,” Kaz chokes out, blinking when his glasses are pulled off his face.   
”I'm sorry,” is all Snake can say. He leans past Kaz to put the glasses on the nighttable. Kaz still doesn't touch him, his lean muscles tense.   
”I wish,” Kaz starts, words missing when he is pulled down on the bed onto the bed. Snake lets out a hum, arranges them on the bed so they're embracing. Kaz tucks himself against Snake, doesn't give a damn if he gets blood-stains on the bed. I wish he was you. 

”I wish you'd take a goddamn shower,” Kaz mumbles but tucks his arm between them and closes his eyes. Snake chuckles but the melancholy around him remains, the silence that had lain around him ever since his touch brought Kaz from that painful torturous haze of half-death.


End file.
